From the personal diary of DONALD J. TRUMP
I asked Mattis is there’s some way that an “accident” can happen to Mueller, Rosenstein and Sessions, and he—my favorite general!—seemed puzzled.
“What do you mean, Mister President?” he asked.
“You know, Jim. An accident. Something, well, fatal.”
You would think that an old soldier like Mattis wouldn’t shock easily, but he looked like the dog that chased a speeding car and suddenly caught it.
“I’m not sure I follow you,” Mattis said after a moment or two. “’Something fatal’?”
“Sure,” I replied. “People die from accidental things all the time. A car crash. Maybe they mistook rat poison for Coca Cola. A gob of nerve agent on the face, like that brother of Kim Jong-Un. Maybe they were cleaning a gun when, Boom, it goes off. Or they could be shot during a robbery at their house. Jim, there’s a million ways it could happen.”
Mattis rubbed his chin and said, “Mister President, what you’re talking about is murder.”
“Aw, come on, Jim, don’t be a pussy. You’re a soldier. I’m the Commander-in-Chief. We both deal with death all the time. If you’re so squeamish, maybe you shouldn’t be my Defense Secretary.”
The look of shock rose up in his eyes. I know that Mattis loves this job. He wouldn’t want to leave it. He was wrestling in his mind. Then he said, “Well, Mister President, yes, there are ways to make such things happen that would never be detected. But let’s say I could arrange it for all three of them. Don’t you think it would look awfully suspicious if they all kicked the bucket at the same time?”
“Jim,” I told him, “it doesn’t have to be at the same time. It could be days apart. Say, Mueller on Wednesday, Sessions on Saturday, and Rosenstein the next Monday.”
“The news media would go nuts with conspiracy theories,” he said.
“The FAKE news media,” I corrected him. “Everybody knows they lie. My base wouldn’t believe it. And Fox would report the truth in their usual fair and balanced way.”
“Well,” he said, I do know some people, Mister President, although it would be better if I didn’t identify them to you. Let’s just say they’re men who know how to make things happen, and then disappear without a trace.”
“Are they reliable?” I asked him. I mean, I’m surrounded by traitors in this job; I don’t really trust anyone anymore.
“Super-reliable, Mister President. They’ve done this kind of thing before. They’ll do it, then go someplace far away and lay low.”
I was happy to see Mattis agree with me, but then it occurred to me that there was more he could do.
“General, as long as you’re going to, uhh, take care of Mueller, Rosenstein and Sessions, why don’t you add a few more names to the list?”
“I’m not clear what you’re driving at, Mister President.”
“Well, let’s just say that it’s in the national security interests of America if Hillary Clinton also met an untimely end.”
“Hillary Clinton?” Mattis asked, wide-eyed.
“Yes. And Obama too. Would you have a problem taking out a President?”
Mattis seems to be gasping for breath, so I repeated my question. “Would you have a problem taking out a President?”
“Well,” Mattis said, “after all, we took out Kennedy.”
“And he deserved it, General.”
“So you want me to take out Hillary and Obama?”
“For starters,” I told him. “There are some other people who are trying to keep me from governing. Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, and by the way some of those liberal reporters from the failing New York Times and Washington Post. And while you’re at it, how about Michael Cohen?”
Mattis was freaked out. “But, Mister President, he’s your lawyer!”
“Not anymore. He’s turned on me. Couldn’t you have him fall out of a window, or down a flight of stairs?”
“Mister President, anything can be done. But would it be right?”
Poor Mattis. “Liddle General Jimmy” I call him. Clearly in over his head. “General, I’m the President. Anything I order is right, by definition.”
Mattis was trying to grasp it. “Anything?” he mewed.
“Anything.” I stared at him with my blue, intense eyes. A lot was unsaid, but understood. I could see him tossing everything around in his mind, weighing the pros and cons. Finally, he clicked his heels, stood erect, and saluted.
“Mister President, you have but to give the order, and I will obey.”
“Do it, Jim. Take them all out. Your duty is to me. Understood?”
Mattis clicked his heels again. “Yes, my leader.” And with that, he turned to leave the Oval Office, but before he reached the door, I said: “Oh, and one more addition to the list, General.”
He spun around and saluted smartly. “Yes, Mister President?”
“Rachel Maddow. Make her fall down a well, or something.”
Liddle General Jimmy saluted again and clicked his heels. “Jawohl, mein präsident, consider it done.” When he left, I called Melania, who’s up at Trump Tower. “What are you doing tonight, sweetie?”
“Oh, Donald, I have pilates in 5 minutes, then lunch with Kelly Ripa. Really in a hurry, have to go. Smoochies!” So I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. Bored! Guess I’ll see what’s up on Fox News.
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