Okay, Diary, I gotta get real with this liberal takeover of the House. The way I see it is, I have to solve this problem before Jan. 3, 2019, when the new Congress convenes. If I wait too long, they’ll be subpoenaing the shit out of me, my family and my associates—and I won’t allow that to happen!
So here’s the plan. It’s bold, audacious—but then, I’ve been bold all my life, rolling the dice, taking risks, and it’s always worked out.
Step 1, I just took: firing that lawn jockey, Sessions. Mister Magoo can go back to fucking Mayberry.
Step 2, Replacing him with my boy, Whittaker. Dear Diary, Whit told me that he’ll stop the Mueller investigation in its tracks. He promised to shrink its budget by 75%, which means Mueller’s going to have to cease and desist. He’ll be lucky if he can still buy donuts. I don’t have to fire him, just starve him to death.
Step 3, Whittaker also promised that when Mueller issues his report—to him, Whittaker—it will not be released to the media or the public, except for parts that are favorable to me, which we’ll leak through the usual suspects. But the full thing will never see the light of day. I can say it totally exonerates me, and nobody can contradict me. Hannity, Rush and the rest of the boys will confirm that there was no collusion, no obstruction, nothing wrong at all.
Step 4, Launch a counter-investigation of Democrats. Nunes promised me he’s already working on this: Hillary’e emails, of course, but also Maxine Waters’ ties with known black radicals, Schiff’s sexual practices, Pelosi’s husband’s links to the Mafia, Obama’s secret deals with the Chinese, Nadler’s real estate scandals, that gay blogger Heimoff’s shady past–the whole nine yards. My F.B.I. is providing me with plenty of ammunition to silence these elite liberal thugs, and my I.R.S. is all over this like white on rice.
Step 5, Create a huge diversion that will terrify the American people. This should be done by mid-December, just as we’re going into the holidays. The death toll, unfortunately, will have to be high, but that’s war for you; it always involves collateral damage. The only thing that matters is winning—and I’m a winner. The plotters will have to be found to be Muslim terrorists, but that will be easy for Homeland Security to arrange. Right now I’m thinking a dirty bomb in midtown Manhattan. Then I tell the American people they’re under imminent attack from terrorists, that only I can protect them. They’ll welcome it when I put the country under martial law and suspend civil liberties.
That’s risk-taking! But I’ll get away with it. Oh, the liberals will scream and howl and call for my scalp, but they’re already doing that. Besides, it will thrill my supporters when I shut down CNN and MSNBC and the failing New York Times. Not to mention Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, the Washington Post, Heimoff’s blog (which we’ve already tried to kill) and all the other liberal snowflake media outlets. What the hell are they going to do about it? Nothing. Let them cry all they want.
Step 6, Place the National Guard under my direct control. Then I get the Secretary of Defense, my man Mattis, to appoint me a General of the Army, outranking all other officers, which effectively puts the Armed Services of the United States under my personal control. And then direct my Army to crush my opposition using whatever means are necessary. I’ve had it up to here with these anarchists and Antifa thugs.
Step 7, Order the Secretary of the Interior, my man Zinke, to identify Federal lands where we can build mass detention centers to jail my political enemies. The government owns vast tracts of land out West; we’ve already started looking into this in Idaho, and I figure I can detain up to a million people in these camps. Again, the Democrats will howl, but there’s not a thing they can do about it.
Step 8, right before swearing-in day, maybe on Jan. 2, announce that the new Congress cannot be seated until their personal loyalty to me has been proven. From what I can tell, many if not most of these new Democrats are not loyal to me. They may not even be citizens. They may have contributed money to ISIS or the Taliban. Who knows? But we have to find out. They may have been involved in voter fraud and other crimes, even pedophilia. We have to know everything about them before I will permit them to take office.
Step 9, Arrest everybody in those caravans. Whittaker tells me the first batch of them should be arriving at the Texas border by Thanksgiving, although the date isn’t exact. When they do, my Army will physically prevent them from approaching the crossing. I’m told it’s likely that criminals and rapists in the caravan will throw rocks or Molotov cocktails or burn tires or commit other acts of civil violence. I will instruct my soldiers to have zero tolerance for criminal acts. They are free to shoot on sight. That’s something Bibi taught me: how to be tough with demonstrators!
Step 10, Cancel the 2020 elections, as long as the national emergency lasts—and believe me, it will last! Continuing acts of terror. Continuing threats from overseas. Explosions, mass shootings, violence, arson, civil unrest, sabotage, assassinations, synagogue attacks, Internet shutdowns–even if I have to order my security forces to do a lot of it themselves. There is no Constitutional reason I can’t declare myself President-for-Life. The American people will be begging me for help. I’ll have the Senate and the Supreme Court on my side. Screw the House. Let Pelosi whine her ass off, there’s nothing she can do to stop me. I’ll just shut the damn House down. Maybe I’ll send Pelosi to one of the camps. She can bunk with Hillary, that dyke.
I guess you could say there’s an 11th Step: having Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and other media commentators on my side influence their simple-minded followers through lies and appeals to hatred. But that’s not really a “step” for me to take. It’s been going on for a long time, it will continue, and they’re one of the reasons I’m here. So while I welcome it, I can’t take pride of ownership. Mr. Limbaugh: Mr. Murdoch: I salute you! Heil!
I’m on a roll, Dear Diary. Rested, tanned and ready to rock. And after I’m gone, which I hope won’t be for many years, there’s Don, Jr., Jared and Ivanka to take over. Welcome to Trump World, you liberal losers. Bwahaha!