know that I, and many of my readers, view Republicans as some kind of bizarre sub-species
of humankind that, somehow, devolved from American liberal democracy into
primitive atavism. Ruled by reptilian brains, lacking reason and morality,
they have reverted to behaviors not witnessed in humanoids since Pithecanthropus
wandered the Java lowlands.
really, this extreme view of Republicans is unfair. In many respects, these
Republicans just like you and me: family people, hard-working and patriotic. That
secretary who works in your office—the one who unjams the Xerox machine and
makes the coffee every morning—may in fact be a Republican. You never know!
fervently believe that we have got to understand these people. Can’t we all get
along? We can! So, along those lines, I offer this advice: How to become
Republican in 10 steps.
you’re not already obese, become so, as soon as possible! Republicans are fat,
and Trump Republicans—like Trump himself—are the fattest of all.
yourself. You might have graduated from college, or even have a post-graduate
degree. But if you wish to become Republican, you must get rid of all that useless
stuff, like science, geography and math—and believe only in Republican
all your information only from rightwing sources: Fox “News,” Breitbart,
InfoWars, the Wall Street Journal editorial pages.
an opioid addiction. I’m not saying that all Republicans are addicts. Nor am I
saying that all addicts are Republicans. But a majority of opioid addicts are
Trump lovers. We know this from the MAGA hats they wear, and from their glazed
eyes. They also tend to drool and have trouble articulating.
in a trailer. It’s even better if you use an outhouse.
how to make ugly, snarling, angry faces for all the Trump rallies you’ll be
have to learn to hate as you’re never hated before: Jews, queers, Blacks,
Mexicans, Arabs, Muslims, liberals. No emotion is valued as much among Trump
Republicans as hatred.
an evangelical Christian. This may be hard if you were raised as a Jew, or as a
liberal Christian (Unitarian, Episcopal, etc.), but if you really want to be a
Republican, it has to be done. This also entails finding yourself a suitable
preacher. Make sure that your preacher is at least as hate-filled as you are.
See if Franklin Graham, Jr. is available. That dude really knows how to hate.
to a Red state/district. This probably means you’ll have to live in a rural
area. This will entail some adjustments for city folk; you instance, you’ll
have to get used to your neighbors engaging in incest, or shooting, skinning
and eating certain mammals you didn’t think were edible. It can be done—just
number ten is the hardest of all: You’ll have to learn to love such repellent
creatures as Jared Kushner, the chinless Donald Trump, Jr., the wild-game
killer Eric Trump, the failed fashion designer Ivanka Trump, and the former
Eastern European “escort,” Melania Trump. I know, I know, you really dislike
these ghastly people. I do too! But they are the Republican Holy Family, our
Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Mother Mary and the Magdalene, rolled into one
unhealthy amalgam. So get yourself some photos of them and put them up in your
bathroom. While you’re on the porcelain throne, you can contemplate them, and achieve
a deeper understanding of what they truly are.
And there you have it. I’m not saying it will be easy to become a Republican. But then, nothing in life that’s worth gaining comes easy. The best rewards come after overcoming challenge. If the struggle becomes difficult—and it will, believe me!—take comfort in the day when you finally realize you’ve become a Republican. No more worries about right and wrong! No more agonizing over the ethical thing to do! No longer will you have to figure stuff out—it will all be explained to you. Imagine the freedom you’ll…
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