We demand that Hunter Biden testify.
Why? He had nothing to do with this.
Well, maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. We won’t know until we cross-examine him
That inane reasoning could apply to everyone on earth.
We reserve the right to call everyone on earth as witnesses.
That’s completely psychotic. You’re just trying to distract attention from the
overwhelming evidence of Trump’s crimes.
Look! [waves shiny object up and down, back and forth]. Woo-ee! Looky here!
Won’t work, Moscow Mitch.
McConnell’s top aide comes running in] Leader McConnell, you have a phone call
Let me have that. [takes call from aide] Hello? Who is this? Vladimir? Hi, Vlad,
We love what you are doing, Mr. Leader Mitch. Everybody in Russia love you. If
you stop like USA, you come Moscow, me give you good job.
Why, that’s darned nice of you, Vladimir.
Thank you. Please to give my regard to esteemed President Trump. Tell him pee
tape safe in my hands.
Good to know, Vladimir. Say, you couldn’t possibly send me a copy of it, could
Sure. Easy. On way! Dasvidanya!
Peace out, Vladmir! [turns back to Schumer] So, you’re gonna agree to subpoena
Hunter Biden, right?
Then no deal! No witnesses!
Mr. Leader, I’m getting flack from my people. They’re demanding that we allow
Tell them we’ll bring in Hunter Biden.
Actually, Mr. Leader, they want to hear from Bolton.
Bolton, Schmolton, who cares about that mustache?
Mainers are a fair people, Mr. Leader. They expect witnesses to be called in a trial.
I’ve never been to Maine and I never want to go. You get a lot of snow up
there, don’t you?
Yes, Mr. Leader. But about Bolton: What can I tell my people?
Tell ‘em you have two words for them, and they ain’t “Merry Christmas.” That’s what
I tell the American people!
Thank you, Mr. Leader. [exits] [Enter
Mr. Leader, I’m getting slammed in the Alaskan press. They want witnesses to be
called, beginning with Bolton. What should I tell them?
Tell them we’ll bring in Bolton. Michael Bolton.
Murkowski: That washed-up old singer? Nobody cares about him. They want to hear from John Bolton!
Why? All he has to offer is the truth. We don’t care about the truth. In fact,
we want to cover up the truth. If I bring Michael Bolton in to sing, the
liberal media will have a field day. They’ll forget all about impeachment. We’ll
also get Ted Nugent in. And Marie Osmond: she can sing the Star Spangled
I don’t think that will satisfy Alaskans, Mr. Leader. They want to hear from
Goldang it, Hunter Biden is a real witness.
Jesus: Mitchell, Hunter Biden is irrelevant to this case. Everybody knows it. I know it. My father knows it.
Who asked you?
It’s my duty to weigh in.
The Trump administration is doing fine without you, Mr. Christ. I suggest you
All right. But don’t be surprised if, when you call me in the future, I don’t
Fine by me.
disappears. Enter Chief Justice Roberts]
Roberts: Mr. Leader, I’m inclined to allow witnesses, beginning with Mr. Bolton.
Hunter Biden! Hunter Biden! Hunter Biden!
Really, Mr. Leader, Hunter Biden has nothing to do with the charges brought
against the president.
McConnell: Maybe I’ll bring charges against you, Mr. Loves-Gay-Marriage Justice!
I voted my conscience.
What does conscience have to do…
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